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Do you feel like you’re stuck in a relationship you don’t want to be in, but have no idea how to initiate a breakup and the emotions that will arise during and after? Unfortunately, I’ve been through this three times with the same guy. Using that experience as a base, I’m writing this for someone who’s stuck in the middle of staying with their partner or severing ties with them altogether. The process is never easy, but once you know it’s the right decision, you’ll come out of it stronger.
And so, the breakup process guide begins.
1. Reflection and denial
Sometimes the process doesn’t start with completing the task at hand. The answer is that you simply need time to think. You need time to reflect on the benefits you both have gained from your relationship and what you may have lost since dating them.
Did he recognize that you had a life outside of your connection? Did he know you could be busy at times? Or did he know that there are several reasons why you seem to disagree in your arguments?
You are also free to shoot down those doubts and try to convince yourself that he is your partner for life. There is no set length of time for a person to go through this stage; Some may take little time and make their decision in hours or even days, while others need more than that to ensure that their life is still stable even without them.
My reflection
My ex-boyfriend and I have already been friends for several months, not to mention that we were together in the same history class. I thought he was the most amazing person I’ve met, and his positive, hardworking attitude was one aspect of him that caught my attention, knowing he’s always there to support his friends and provide support. help if needed.
When I was in limbo about whether to continue dating him and hope for the best or break up with him and move on with my life, I was constantly thinking about the positives and negatives of both situations, not to mention what the long-term outlook would look like.
I spent that time trying to distract myself by talking to my close friends about the passions we shared, while getting advice on how to deal with the issue at hand. I also wrote a few paragraphs in my journal about how I felt, with my Spotify playlists helping me describe how I felt right now. Writing is a good way to release emotions, and not only was I able to organize my chaotic mind about what was going on, but once I knew what I was feeling, it also helped me to conceive my next steps with a rational mind.
2. Start conversations
It’s normal not to know where you stand, especially in these difficult times. No matter how you feel, you can always choose to talk to your partner. You can keep talking about the topics you usually talk about, but you can also introduce new topics that might affect your connection in the long run.
Do they care about your goals as much as theirs or vice versa? Do they make an effort to fit into your schedule like you do to them? More importantly, do you feel safe trusting them with your deepest concerns, knowing that the two of you could either get back on track side by side, or possibly fall out of the passion that brought you together in the beginning?
Whatever the outcome, you will have managed to give yourself a chance to think about your dilemma. If it looks like they really deserve another chance, I strongly suggest talking to them about your concerns and trying to figure out how you can both resolve them and bounce back to a better place. If not, then it seems like it’s time to move on.
My Conversations
In the midst of my doubts, I decided to continue communicating with my ex to see where I am with him. Although he enjoyed exploring new destinations around the world, which I wanted to do at some point in my life, he was hesitant to try new foods and hobbies, not to mention that he was not completely supportive of my new identity as a binary non-person. I remembered his attitude saying that he only cared about satisfying me in a sexual way, either via FaceTime or in person, while building a family with me, not to mention the other aspect called “our two lives “.
I recognize that he also has his own insecurities, but I didn’t think I had the ability to empathize with him every night when I normally wanted to relax after a long day. I was constantly thinking about how I could make him as happy as I was on a daily basis, but I don’t want to go down the road of trying to change him. I tried my best to compromise on a few issues, but it was hard to get them through to him. My last resort was to move on, and eventually, I did.
3. The Real Breakup
Now is the time to tell them the news. It’s okay to doubt your choice to do this, but if you have a strong spirit and a strong support group behind you, at least you’ll have the courage to get it over with. Ideally, you want to give them the news in person, but any form of video call is also good, especially in these trying times.
If you decide to meet in person, text or call him to let him know you need to talk about something important. Also, be sure to organize a meeting place where you will essentially have some privacy. Some suggestions might be in the back or on the porch of one of your homes, a partially secluded area in a park, or anywhere you think the two of you will be comfortable.
Once you’re together, check their emotions to better understand how you should present the news to them. I highly recommend getting straight to the point, because there’s no way not to understand the concept if you do your best to make sense.
It’s up to them to see how they react. Ideally, you want them to understand where you stand and recognize the fact that what’s done is done. If they try to convince you that you’re doing the wrong thing or if they keep trying to convince you to keep them, don’t be swayed by their words and stand your ground. Your opinion matters at this crucial time and if they don’t acknowledge it, the best thing to do is to walk away to avoid further repercussions.
My breakups
My three breakups with him involved some form of him trying to convince me that we will continue to overcome our doubts together and have a good life together. I absolutely did not believe it, because my point of view was completely different. Sure, I did my best to get him to accept the inevitability of the breakup, but he didn’t budge no matter what I said. Long story short, it was all about him unleashing his anger on me and then walking away. I should have accepted the consequences the last two times, because it took a third pass with him for me to get it.
4. Next
I guarantee you will feel a mess of emotions overwhelming you in all directions. You will feel regret that you may have been able to stay with him, while feeling safe to push back against that regret to tell yourself that you made the right decision. I felt these emotions every time I broke up with him, but the more my logic was involved, the less I felt them.
There are many sources that offer support to those receiving the news, but not so many to those who initiated the breakup. It’s okay to feel like you’ve destroyed some aspect of your life, but remember that something better is waiting for you. It is up to you to seize the best opportunity that could possibly open a new chapter for your growth.
You may also question your decision, but be sure to plant yourself firmly on the ground and stick to your opinion. Never let others influence it, because you are in control.